Spirited Leaders

Not So Nice

Rochelle's last post asked:

Can we get beyond nice in our conversations with one another in the church--without being abusive? Can we get back to something real and honest and truthful?

Extreme niceness bugs me too. It sucks the juice out of conversations ... talking about the weather can only take you so far. It limits our capability for success ... people hold back ideas and suggestions, rather than risk rocking the boat. And it caps my spiritual growth ... I'm denied the connected, deeply caring relationships where real discovery and growth can take place.

I was taught to be nice. But it didn't serve me well in the business world.

In the workplace, the niceness described by Patricia H. Davis in Beyond Nice: The Spiritual Wisdom of Adolescent Girls -- avoiding conflict, denying pain, being untruthful --  can turn into allowing others to take advantage, taking on more than can be handled, fulfilling needs of others at expense of one's own needs. Women are particularly susceptible -- just look at the huge array of books offering antidotes for stress and burnout to all of us 'nice girls'.

Whether we are surrounded by too much niceness (as perhaps in church life) or take our niceness to work (as perhaps in our work life), we need to practice a new way. It takes courage to be authentic in our conversations and in our relationships, especially when in the middle of so many who are not or who don't know how. Often it seems easier to smile and nod (even if we have to put up with a bit of pain), or perhaps just leave.

We know what many women executives who are looking for authenticity choose to do -- leave. Corporate America has not been able to keep the best and the brightest. The same for congregations?

But, whether in the workplace or the church, if we want authenticity, as leaders we've got to be willing to make first moves.

Here are three suggestions of how to start being 'not so nice'. This will probably be slow going -- sea changes often are -- so make a change, repeat, and repeat, and probably repeat again.

• Tell the truth. Set limits, be willing to say 'no'. Stop agreeing to do something when you don't really have space in your calendar or aren't interested.
• Go deeper. Ask questions that will take conversations below the surface. Turn a conversation about the weather into a meaningful discussion about global warming and what we can each do to care for the environment.
• Get a partner. Jesus sent the disciples out in twos. Join with a colleague, friend, mentor, coach to get the encouragement and acknowledgment that will freshen your perspective and keep your spirits up.

Getting Real

I've got to get back to something real with you.
—Emily Saliers, Something Real
on the Indigo Girls CD, All That We Let In

I've been thinking about what I want--and need--from the church. I want something real. My denomination talks about real presence in commmunion. That's a start. I also want something real from the preacher's message. I want real conversations within the community of faith--between colleagues, within the community, between generations.

But what is real?

Patricia H. Davis, in her book Beyond Nice: The Spiritual Wisdom of Adolescent Girls, talks about the opposite of real:

"Niceness is the opposite of spirituality. Niceness is, in fact, the opposite of what is required to build any genuine relationship—with God or with others. While niceness can smooth superficial human interactions, it is devastating to true intimacy.

Niceness requies putting away genuine feelings, avoiding conflict, swallowing hurts, denying pain, and being untruthful. Niceness requires self-denial and often self-forgetting. The nice person eventually forgets to notice how she really feels, even in extreme circumstances. The truly nice person doesn't even know when she is angry, and wouldn't admit to being angry if questioned. The nice person would never fight on her own behalf. Most often, nice people are not able to feel strong positive emotions either. Nice people are 'calm, controlled, quiet.'"

The people who wrote the psalms got beyond nice in their conversations with God. Can we do the same? Can we get beond nice in our conversations with one another in the church--without being abusive? Can we get back to something real and honest and truthful?

Learned Optimism

I'm fascinated by how some people grow and change while others wither. Churches and businesses, too. What makes some cultures ripe for growth while others stagnate? In church circles, growth and death are often blamed on the leader. If only he or she was more ... then we would grow. Leaders blame it on the congregation. If only they could ... then we would grow.

In the book Learned Optimism, positive psychologist Martin Seligman links the ability to make changes to a explanatory style. People with a negatie explanatory style have difficulty making changes. A person with a negative explanatory style sees a bad event as personal (all about me), permanent (will never change), and pervasive (affects everything). Here's what he says about permanence:

"If you believe the cause of your mess is permanent--stupidity, lack of talent, ugliness--you will not act to change it. You will not act to improve yourself. If, however, you believe the cause is temporary--a bad mood, too little effort, overweight--you can act to change it. ... People must have a temporary style for bad events--they must believe that whatever the cause of the bad event, it can be changed." (p. 52)

As Seligman suggests, there is another way to explain bad events: as external (not my fault), temporary (a passing thing), and specific (limited to this event). People who explain bad events in this way tend to be able to shake off the dust from their feet and move on to things that work.

Reading Seligman's book got me to thinking about the church and leadership. I wonder how a community can change when its words are something like:
We have always done it this way. (permanent)
No one wants that. (pervasive)
The synod has never liked us. (permanent and personal)

Of course there's another factor: how do we explain the good things in our life? Seligman and other positive psychologists suggest that people do well when they see good events as permanent, pervasive, and personal. We don't do so well when we see the good things as external, temporary, and specific.

Take Seligman's ideas and apply them to yourself. How does the way you explain the "changes and chances of life"—both the good and the bad—affect your ability to move forward? You can ask the same question of your work culture or the church you attend.

The good news: we can change our explanatory style. Check out Seligman's book for some ideas on how to do that. Think about how leaders can shift the explanatory style of a company or a congregation. Is it possible?

Seeking Creative Spiritual Leaders

I went to seminary because I had some questions about God and faith and how to live an authentic life. I hoped to wrestle with life's deep questions. I thought that maybe these seminary professors--or "professional wrestlers"--would have some thoughts on how to do this well. I planned to get my MDiv and then go on to get a PhD in theology.

But seminaries have a goal, too: to shape spiritual leaders. They have a bunch of stuff to teach future leaders--stuff about the Bible and Church History and Liturgy and Theology. Before I knew it, I emerged from the other end of the process a bonified "spiritual leader" with stuff to pass on to other people.

As a spiritual leader, I wrestled with how to lead. I had all this "stuff" I was supposed to teach people. The congregations I served didn't seem interested in that theology stuff. They wanted me to be a helper--help them through sickness, grieving, worries, and a few celebrations. They needed me to pray for and with them. Mostly, they just wanted me to be present. In my "leadership" gut, I wanted church to be a place where everyone could wrestle with life's deep questions and learn how to live into God's call for their lives. You can imagine the challenges we faced! Each of us had our own view of what a good spiritual leader looked like

This summer I celebrate my 17th anniversary of ordination. As a spiritual leader, I am doing just what I wanted to do from the beginning: wrestling with life's deep questions and supporting others in becoming who God has called them to be. But as I consult with congregations and coach spiritual leaders, I still see the challenges of mixed agendas. What should a spiritual leader do? Teach the God stuff? Help the poor and helpless? Support people in becoming more of who God calls them to be? All of the above? None of the above? Or maybe, "Depends on the situation"?

After all of these years, it is easier to see what doesn't seem to work. Leaders who do too much and teach too much and help too much create cultures of dependence. The overfunctioning of the leader leaves little room for the congregation to function creatively. Or maybe it is the reverse: the leader overfunctions in response to a congregation who does not function, who acts helpless. Chicken or egg. Either way, it does not work. Congregations (and leaders) become stale in this kind of environment. Leadership becomes about protecting the status quo and, as Carol mentions, keeping order.

So what works? I don't have a formula--I don't think one exists. I do see some characteristics of creative, healthy spiritual leaders.

Healthy leaders ...
*seek to live out God's call for their lives. (A note: God should not be confused with the desires of the Bishop, the congregation's president, or even one's mother.)
*are generously present with people, without an agenda or the need to be the "expert."
*engage with people, ideas, and situations.
*learn continuously.
*are engaged in their own spiritual journey.
*have a vision and encourage other people to have and voice their visions.
*encourage and support and challenge other people in living out God's call for their lives. They are permission givers and cheerleaders to other people.

As I look at this list, I think about the leaders I have known. Some have been pastors. But just as often, they have been life coaches and dance teachers and therapists and friends. I amseeking stories of healty, creative spiritual leadership--both inside and outside the church. What does it look like? How do creative leaders behave?

Many of the leaders who have been powerful witnesses to me were people who left the church because the church could not "hold" their work. The church and the clergy must become better at recognizing and supporting and engaging and encouraging the leadership of all people. Banker, therapist, social worker, CEO, teacher, police officer, mail carrier: we are all spiritual leaders. We are ALL called to be good news.

Eliminating the Great Divide

I often make time to check out Alban Institute's weekly newsletter. Alban's work focuses on developing congregation leaders, and their newsletter's feature article is usually insightful, practical, and real-life. Recently, when the congregation where I worship was caught up in messy, self-destructive conflict among its leadership, Alban was right there every Monday morning with an offering of fresh perspective and a dose of just-in-time valuable advice that was worthwhile sharing with warring parties.

But this week they have me scratching my head.

Dan Hotchkiss, in his article "All I Really Needed to Know I Learned at Work", tells about a challenging time he experienced as a new pastor. It was difficult getting church leaders to agree on direction and actions because he didn't realize that the process was being shaped by assumptions leaders (many of them from IBM) brought from their workplace experiences. There were groups of "visionaries" (explore the alternatives, flesh out the possibilities), "administrators" (the more information, the better), and "entrepreneurs" (let's get moving!). Each group had a different set of preferred behaviors that had served them well in their workplaces, and they expected these behaviors to work just as well in their church leadership roles.

Hotchkiss graciously suggests his own inexperience contributed to the difficulty. Yes, we all have lessons we learned when we were 27. I have a bunch I learned at 27, 37, 47 ... thank goodness, we keep on learning!

Today's older, wiser Hotchkiss recognizes that "each person around the table has learned at work how to behave in groups".  As a consultant, he now asks "what is your work?" to open up dialogue around differing beliefs about working in groups.

Maybe the article has been cut short; maybe there's more to follow. I hope so, because it seems to me that worrying over "powerful occupational subcultures" is missing the more important learning. Yes, it's important to understand the strengths, talents and experiences each person brings to the group ... and to look to capitalize on that abundance and diversity. It's also important to recognize that people usually don't want to live bifurcated work/faith lives -- ask any business person who's tried to leave their soul in the parking lot on Monday morning.

But way before all of this, it's MOST important to ask a group to get clear about its purpose, about what it's being called to do. The process can then be shaped by this intention, rather than the behavior that's most familiar to each player. When the work gets off course, the team can be reminded of and called back to its purpose. When energies wane, the group can re-connect with what got them motivated in the first place. When conflicts erupt, the team can sort out differences based on what will serve their cause. Their calling serves as their compass.

Isn't this the lesson of the IBM experience that Hotchkiss cites ... that rallying around the intention to design a personal computer, IBM'ers were able to set aside their usual bureaucratic approach in favor of a more nimbler way of operating? That they were able to put their habits aside because they had a big game to play and win?

And isn't this the opportunity that the faith community presents to us business people?  The model that when we rally around what's important -- God's vision for us -- that we, our workteams, our community, our world can be transformed?

Yes, whether workplace or church, there is a powerful subculture influencing us -- one that encourages us to jump into action, find a solution -- fast! But, whether workplace or church, skipping over the initial step of getting clear about our purpose risks false starts, dead ends, and confusion.

And, whether workplace or church, perhaps the most important question is not "what is our work/process?", but "where are we going?"

Rochelle Melander, Right Now!

"Carol, I'd like you to meet Rochelle.  Rochelle, I'd like you to meet Carol."

So began an October 2002 e-mail from Tim ... and the start of many lively discussions about coaching, faith, church, books, business, music, life. Tim's remarkable gift is noticing the unique bits that make each person special and then putting people together to see what pops. 

What's been popping for Rochelle and me recently are conversations -- OK, gripe sessions -- about how congregation/clergy leaders are often stuck in retreating to what was or resigned to what is. Whether it's the newest church growth fix-it program, congregations struggling to find effective leaders, pastors burning out with no place to turn, or even our own experience in not being able to find a welcoming faith community, it's easy to find lots to complain about! On good days we ask each other how we might be positive contributors.

And so I've asked Rochelle Melander to join me on this blog ... to shift from talking privately on the phone to talking publicly on the web.  Like Tim, we're interested in seeing what pops when we mix conversations about faith, the workplace, church, with learning edge ideas of personal growth and organizational leadership.  And we're curious about who might join us along the way.

You can learn more about Rochelle at her website www.RightNowCoach.com ... she's a Lutheran (ELCA) pastor, author of many books and articles, and a professionally-trained life coach.  She also finds time to read a couple books a week, organize and lead writing retreats. and enjoy her family. Spirited!