Spirited Leaders

Not So Nice

Rochelle's last post asked:

Can we get beyond nice in our conversations with one another in the church--without being abusive? Can we get back to something real and honest and truthful?

Extreme niceness bugs me too. It sucks the juice out of conversations ... talking about the weather can only take you so far. It limits our capability for success ... people hold back ideas and suggestions, rather than risk rocking the boat. And it caps my spiritual growth ... I'm denied the connected, deeply caring relationships where real discovery and growth can take place.

I was taught to be nice. But it didn't serve me well in the business world.

In the workplace, the niceness described by Patricia H. Davis in Beyond Nice: The Spiritual Wisdom of Adolescent Girls -- avoiding conflict, denying pain, being untruthful --  can turn into allowing others to take advantage, taking on more than can be handled, fulfilling needs of others at expense of one's own needs. Women are particularly susceptible -- just look at the huge array of books offering antidotes for stress and burnout to all of us 'nice girls'.

Whether we are surrounded by too much niceness (as perhaps in church life) or take our niceness to work (as perhaps in our work life), we need to practice a new way. It takes courage to be authentic in our conversations and in our relationships, especially when in the middle of so many who are not or who don't know how. Often it seems easier to smile and nod (even if we have to put up with a bit of pain), or perhaps just leave.

We know what many women executives who are looking for authenticity choose to do -- leave. Corporate America has not been able to keep the best and the brightest. The same for congregations?

But, whether in the workplace or the church, if we want authenticity, as leaders we've got to be willing to make first moves.

Here are three suggestions of how to start being 'not so nice'. This will probably be slow going -- sea changes often are -- so make a change, repeat, and repeat, and probably repeat again.

• Tell the truth. Set limits, be willing to say 'no'. Stop agreeing to do something when you don't really have space in your calendar or aren't interested.
• Go deeper. Ask questions that will take conversations below the surface. Turn a conversation about the weather into a meaningful discussion about global warming and what we can each do to care for the environment.
• Get a partner. Jesus sent the disciples out in twos. Join with a colleague, friend, mentor, coach to get the encouragement and acknowledgment that will freshen your perspective and keep your spirits up.

Seeking Creative Spiritual Leaders

I went to seminary because I had some questions about God and faith and how to live an authentic life. I hoped to wrestle with life's deep questions. I thought that maybe these seminary professors--or "professional wrestlers"--would have some thoughts on how to do this well. I planned to get my MDiv and then go on to get a PhD in theology.

But seminaries have a goal, too: to shape spiritual leaders. They have a bunch of stuff to teach future leaders--stuff about the Bible and Church History and Liturgy and Theology. Before I knew it, I emerged from the other end of the process a bonified "spiritual leader" with stuff to pass on to other people.

As a spiritual leader, I wrestled with how to lead. I had all this "stuff" I was supposed to teach people. The congregations I served didn't seem interested in that theology stuff. They wanted me to be a helper--help them through sickness, grieving, worries, and a few celebrations. They needed me to pray for and with them. Mostly, they just wanted me to be present. In my "leadership" gut, I wanted church to be a place where everyone could wrestle with life's deep questions and learn how to live into God's call for their lives. You can imagine the challenges we faced! Each of us had our own view of what a good spiritual leader looked like

This summer I celebrate my 17th anniversary of ordination. As a spiritual leader, I am doing just what I wanted to do from the beginning: wrestling with life's deep questions and supporting others in becoming who God has called them to be. But as I consult with congregations and coach spiritual leaders, I still see the challenges of mixed agendas. What should a spiritual leader do? Teach the God stuff? Help the poor and helpless? Support people in becoming more of who God calls them to be? All of the above? None of the above? Or maybe, "Depends on the situation"?

After all of these years, it is easier to see what doesn't seem to work. Leaders who do too much and teach too much and help too much create cultures of dependence. The overfunctioning of the leader leaves little room for the congregation to function creatively. Or maybe it is the reverse: the leader overfunctions in response to a congregation who does not function, who acts helpless. Chicken or egg. Either way, it does not work. Congregations (and leaders) become stale in this kind of environment. Leadership becomes about protecting the status quo and, as Carol mentions, keeping order.

So what works? I don't have a formula--I don't think one exists. I do see some characteristics of creative, healthy spiritual leaders.

Healthy leaders ...
*seek to live out God's call for their lives. (A note: God should not be confused with the desires of the Bishop, the congregation's president, or even one's mother.)
*are generously present with people, without an agenda or the need to be the "expert."
*engage with people, ideas, and situations.
*learn continuously.
*are engaged in their own spiritual journey.
*have a vision and encourage other people to have and voice their visions.
*encourage and support and challenge other people in living out God's call for their lives. They are permission givers and cheerleaders to other people.

As I look at this list, I think about the leaders I have known. Some have been pastors. But just as often, they have been life coaches and dance teachers and therapists and friends. I amseeking stories of healty, creative spiritual leadership--both inside and outside the church. What does it look like? How do creative leaders behave?

Many of the leaders who have been powerful witnesses to me were people who left the church because the church could not "hold" their work. The church and the clergy must become better at recognizing and supporting and engaging and encouraging the leadership of all people. Banker, therapist, social worker, CEO, teacher, police officer, mail carrier: we are all spiritual leaders. We are ALL called to be good news.

Calling All Leaders

How do we recognize a leader? How do we become effective leaders? Why be a leader?

In the early years of my work life, questions like these -- and their answers -- were straightforward. Leading meant promotion, moving up the ladder, recognition, authority, pay raises. It was the world of command and control, structure and roles, tools and techniques, programs and rules. Do a good job and find yourself in a higher slot on the org chart where people HAVE to listen to you. HA! It takes just one run-in with a passive aggressive co-worker to demonstrate that it takes more than title and position to lead others.

Bob Stilger, Co-President of The Berkana Institute, sees a leader as anyone who gets into action to change something ... not someone who maintains order and protects the status quo, but an instigator and a change agent. It's not about where you sit in the organization, but how engaged -- spirited -- you are in the work.

In his June 2005 article Landmarks of Leaders, Stilger describes the common characteristics of leaders he's observed in his international leadership development work. It seems that these hallmarks also describe those who are on a faith journey ... after all, the call to discipleship asks that we get into action to work for change too.

• They work from a sense of true calling
• They journey in the company of others
• They live with a spiritual center
• They demand diversity
• Reflective learning guides their lives
• Their work is filled with ambiguity and uncertainty

Stilger's article asks us to think about how these landmarks are present in our life and work. I also wonder how we -- as leaders -- can create working (and worshiping) environments that encourage and support the presence of these landmarks in ourselves and in others ... how we can create life-giving, not life-sucking, workplaces.

Stop for a moment ... take one action to change one thing ... be a leader.